People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.
Jim Morrison

Real or Fake?

I’ve been an avid believer of astrology, horoscopes, signs, destiny, fate, things happening for a reason, etc. for a good portion of my adult life. When I say avid I mean : checking my horoscope on the daily and following it , reading and re-reading my “personality” determined by birth date  I would even go as far as looking up the birthdate personalities of potential love interests before making the decision to dive deeper. This was me even yesterday. But something about today made me truly question this approach I have to life. Why must I try to predetermine who people are before letting them show me? Are my trust issues that bad that I can’t even give a person a chance to show who they are? By my second hang out with a person, I know their biggest fear, how they are in love, what their strengths and weaknesses are…or at least thats what I believed to know. It was so easy for me to buy into this library of false knowledge. It’s just not logical. Case and point. 

There is simply no way that those things(for lack of a better word or description) can be true whatsoever. It’s impossible. It’s limiting to even think that they are, although I must admit comforting. Wait, no, I THOUGHT they were comforting but they were really stressful. I would read something “bad” about a person and I would look for it in them, I would expect them to prove my “religion” correct. I only saw what I wanted to see. How unfortunate.

I cannot bash it all however. It has helped me. It helped me get through some dark times of harmful, toxic thoughts and environments. I used tarot cards as a guide. The vague readings helped me reflect on my situation. They helped to get me thinking about what I needed to do in order to change what I didn’t like. I used tarot cards as a tool. There is a line with cards as well. I did rely on them to tell me my future. This is dangerous. Since it ,again, makes you see what you want to see. 

Life is random. The only way to predict it is to create it. Think out scenarios that you want and actively believe it. Take control of your life and BELIEVE you have that control because that is reality. And why live anywhere else. 

Being realistic is a struggle for me as I have used my creativity and imagination as an escape from reality for most of my life. As comforting as it can be to escape into my fantasy world, coming out of it for a brief time period hurts way too much to sustain such a world. Learning to convert my fantasies into reality is the solution. 

Boston Marathon bombing insights

So what happened earlier today in Boston is just horrible and I’m so glad that everyone I know who was there or is there seems to be okay. After the initial shock, I contacted a few people from my old frat (they were volunteering at the beginning of the marathon so no one was affected). 

I realized that I contacted the people that I really cared about (I mean duh steph) but it was a shock to me who raced through my mind. It was the people who I normally don’t talk to that much. Why don’t I keep in contact with the people that I care so much about? (So what’s the big deal, just start talking to them more!) And I will, but the fact that this happened to me has made me think about my relationships. I seem to keep a distance between me and the people I find to be super cool and awesome. Don’t get me wrong, I like the friends who I talk to most of the time but I feel like this resistance is telling me something. Maybe that I am holding myself back subconsciously or maybe my estranged relationship with my family has affected me more than I initially thought. Maybe I am overthinking this but I feel like I have been just been given an insight into how to change for the better. I need to tackle this odd resistance I feel. 

I don’t completely understand this sensation or feeling but I will be on the look out in my day to day. 

Again, My heart goes to those affected by the marathon bombing. Too close to home. 

"You have to hate losing more than you love winning" (said by Jimmy Connors)

I feel like this quote describes my drive more than any other. I know what I don’t want and I will do all that I can to stay away from it. Found this is a comment someone left on an interesting article about confidence. (http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/are-you-messing-up-the-simple-xyz-formula-for-building-confidence/

I woke up super late today for a couple of reasons: 1. My mom had friends come over who I didn’t want to talk to. (They are okay but talking to them is boring and I’d rather avoid it completely then do it) 2. I was having an interesting dream: My grandparents , who are two of the most passive aggressive sweet people ever, had taken up smoking behind each others backs. I lost respect for them both. I had to see were this was going and why they were acting the way they were, so I slept more. I don’t remember what else happened so it was pointless to sleep more. 

Needless to say, I’m disappointed in myself for giving in to my lazy side. I’m currently waiting on my brother to finish his racing game so I have a walking buddy. I figure that if I get moving then I’ll have more energy when I get back to focus on job hunting and figuring out my life. (No big deal)

Who can resist a title like that? Not me. This article has transformed the way I have been thinking about blogging. I came to Tumblr to ” express myself without fear”. That got me as far as posting funny pictures and random songs. I am going to make an effort to truly express myself through this blog without worrying about what people think of me. The thought of some of my follows reading my thoughts scares the shit out of me but how the hell will I ever get over this insecurity if I don’t face it. Plus the chances of anyone reading this are slim. 

On top of using this blog to express myself, I hope to use it as a tool to keep myself on track. I am forever hoping to improve myself! This is a hard way to live life but its my way and well I need something to help me through this mess. Why not turn my distractions into tools. (I recently cleaned up my reddit account to feature only helpful articles, pictures, and so on; so when I log in I am flushed with ideas on how to improve myself which is motivating in itself) (I completely recommend doing this by the way)

So there you go, a completely useless explanation to the sea of non-readers about why I would like to change my blog up a bit. I am already starting to like this. 

Lets see if I keep this up….

I just try to yell louder and more offensive things at the moon with each attempt. Sometimes a man needs to get things off his chest, and the moon is good for that. Hell, you could say it even deserves it. The moon itself is nothing but a big lie. It doesn’t give off light. It just reflects it from the sun. If that isn’t a reason to throw curses at it, then I don’t know what is.
thoughtcatelog  (drinking games)